Saturday, June 21, 2008
Sorry for the lack of update last Sunday. It was...taxing, to say the least. (Well...apologies to anyone who actually reads this stupid thing.)
Now, over this past week, I've come to realize something...something important, something pertinant about people like me.
"Now," you inquire. "What's a 'person like you'? What does that even mean?" Well, a person like me is not incredibly attractive by any means or standards. I'm average height, pretty good teeth, decent skin (pale, at that). I have glasses (contacts when it's sunny), I'm...'curvy' (not fat or even overweight, just not...skinny)...I like 'guy' things, like video games, anime, animation (I'm one o' those 'artsy' types), and while fundamentally shy, I have the tendancy to be quite loud, and should probably clean up my language a bit.
People like me, well, I've figured that we just don't really get anything. We don't win. We don't succeed. We might a little bit, a small victory in the ever-waging battlefield that is life...something to keep us going. But really, those tiny wins are things like "Oh hey, I got a small raise!" or "I just redecorated my home a little bit!"
People like me don't have a great deal of money, possessions, and not a great deal of disposable income. So, while 'other people' spend their money on mani/pedis, carrot tans, Baby Phat shoes and handbags, and bad dye jobs, people like me spend their money on things that are required in the future: debt payments, RRSPs, and some sort of rudimentary savings. People like them have REAL disposable income.
Which, in turn, even with their fake attitudes, and carrot tans, and weighing 80 pounds, men still go after them.
Because they're one of those people.
For the sake of no scientific proof, those people are the wealthy, the physically attractive, the affluent, the socialites. Women who have the uncanny ability to be about as smart as a lawn chair, but can drink, laugh at all the right jokes, make friends with all the right people, but most importantly, look good while doing it. Men go after those women because they say that they want a friend, a companion, a soulmate, blah blah blah, but in reality, they want a good-looking fuck. A yes-man (girl?). Someone fun and moderately tolerable to show off to their friends, to say 'what a great catch' she was.
For the sake of political correctness, men say that they 'don't mind a bigger girl,' and that it's 'more cushion for the pushin' or something equally witty.
I have found this to be a huge, fucking, bald-faced lie.
Men really want the size 1-0s; they want the amazon women who, for some reason, either plastic surgery, genetics (lucky bitches), or whatever, but they're tall, they're beautiful, they have to be at least a 34-C, and of course, the above-mentioned money, looks, skin, hair, etc.
Before I dated my previous ex, I had mentioned something very similar to what I am posting now. His reply was "Well, do you really want those kind of guys to be attracted to you?" At the time, of course, I said something like "Well, it's better than what I have now (which was at the time nada)."
Now, the sad part. If you think about this as a real scientific analysis, then, well, I'm literally destined to be alone for the rest of my life. And no, I'm not boo-hooing as I'm typing this, acting all dramatic like my world is over. No. That's all over. As I type this, it's a grim realization; something I've come to terms with, and something that I'm probably going to carry with me the rest of my pathetic life. Hmm...maybe the closest feeling would be....getting the news that I have a terminal illness, or something. There's absolutely nothing you can do, you just, well....deal. You give a grim smile, sigh, and carry on, because that's all you can do. (Now, to anyone actually reading this thing, I am not comparing this to a terminal disease, because that's horribly self-centered of me. I'm just using it for the general feeling right now. I'm sorry if I offended anyone. =/ )
In about....oh, two and a half days, I am going to be a young woman of 23. Thinking back, I've gone through a lot, and I've worked very hard to get to where I am now. And really, I suppose I'm happy. I've got my own place (renting...ha ha ha), I'm finally, after 5+ years, am making a decent headway with my debts, I'm saving (RRSP and others), I have great friends, and I love my job.
A friend of mine told me earlier this week that "You don't need to validate your exsistance through someone else. You need to able to love yourself before you can love anyonen else." Now, kudos to her, as those were really some amazing words of wisdom, but it's not really something I'm willing to follow just now. I know that you can't do that; that you really do need to love yourself and have confidence. But, when you're almost 23, with my track record, doubt starts to rear it's ugly head.
I'm almost 23, and I have never:
-Celebrated Valentines Day with a loved one, or had any sort of 'romantic getaway'
-Celebrated ANY holiday or special occasion with a loved one
-Recieved flowers as a romantic gesture
-...Recieved flowers at all
-Had anything really nice and thoughful (again, romantic) done for me - ie. someone cooking a dinner for me, giving me a shoulder rub, anything, really
-Had anyone really 'take care' of me. I'm always the one cooking, cleaning, and generally making sure they're comfortable.
-Had a boyfriend who wanted to be around me
I don't know what I am to men. I don't know how I present myself, or just why I seem to be the most unattractive human being alive. The sad thing is that I don't want to give up what I love in order to be loved. I love video games and gaming. I love the industry. I love animation, I love drawing. These things are going to be a part of my life, and while I am going to be alone, well, for the rest of my life, I pour myself into my work so I can feel at least somewhat fulfilled.
I guess it's either one or the other, huh?
Honestly, as pathetic as it sounds, I'd rather be alone and love what I do than be with someone who wants some dumb blonde to fuck on a Friday night. Also, I'm a red head, so that's not possible.
So, on the eve of a new week, and the new summer season (where??), I close the book on yet another spectacularly unsuccessful relationship.
With that being said...
You Know Who You Are.
You're a coward. You led me around with a carrot on a string for six fucking months while you ignored me, used me, and walked all over me. I never once asked for anything. I never once raised any objections when after weeks of not seeing eachother, you would shove me aside so you could go hang out with your friends. You came over only for free home-cooked meals and a warm bed to sleep in.
I take back what I said. No, I do not want to be your friend. Frankly, if I see you again in the next year, it'll be too soon.
You broke my heart. You broke me. I have no self-worth, no self-esteem, and no confidence. When I was with you, I was happy. I felt powerful. Attractive - no, sexy. Desirable. Confident. I felt like I could take on the world.
Now, I spend my nights drinking, going to the gym, and drinking some more. Once again, I'm alone. And alone I will be for...well, I don't even want to think about that anymore.
So I hope you're pleased with yourself. I hope you find another fancy fuck who's willing to change your diaper and give you your warm bottle while you don't have to lift an emotional finger. I hope you rot in whatever psychological prison you've fashioned for yourself.
You're on your own. I will not, nor will I ever, offer you any more guidance, or even a shoulder to cry on.
Nice to see at least one of us was willing to put themselves on the line for the other.
You're a self-centered prick. Live with it, and love it, because that is the real you.
I need a drink.
Monday, June 09, 2008
It's June 9, and it's probably a bit less than 10 degrees...it's cold, rainy and windy. Don't get me wrong, I love this province, but holy hell..considering that Vancouver has the....third (?) highest cost of living in probably North America, you would at least think that we could get a bit of sun. =P
That's...one thing that's been bothering me for a while now. Cost of living.
I realize that one must incure expenses. Such is adult life. You pay your rent, your bills, food, any debt you might have (credit cards, lines of credit, student loans, etc.) and whatever form of entertainment strikes your fancy. But now, especially with the 2010 Olympics on the way, I'm really starting to wonder - who exactly is benefitting from this again? Certainly not the working-class poor, the single mothers, those who work several minimum wage jobs to survive. In fact, I wonder if the only people who are doing this with a smile on their faces are the very wealthy, any investors, and the government.
I'm sure the Olypmics are going to be great, but at what cost? What cost, Gordie? You've literally fucked everyone who isn't bringing in over $35,000 a year! Oh, sorry, what does that comprise? Probably around 60% of the goddamn workforce!!
My workplace is situated in the very edge of the worst part of town. I have had to shoo crack addits out of my front door a few times, and we see and hear police whiz by several times a week. These people are sick. If not physcially, then mentally. I feel no pity for those who are there by choice; just to feed their filthy habit, but I weep for the mentally ill, the elderly, the disabled. They've all been ushed out onto the streets because all of their safehousing, mental health homes/clinics and retirement centers have all been closed down all from the lack of funding.
I hope you're happy there, Gordie! I hope you choke on a dirty needle when you take your first bite into that delicious 2010 Olympic games hot dog from your VIP seats. Useless bueracratic tit.
I'm not saying I could do a better job, but after being either working class poor or a student for almost all of my adult life, I can relate. I know what it's like not to be able to afford to feed yourself. It's not fun.
Honestly, I'm hoping for a housing market crash, a tuition freeze, and maybe a bit of an economic slip. Personally, I'm really not in the mood for another rent increase before the year is up.
Also, before I head off, another quick note:
We all recieved this email from a Fit Brains customer about a day and a half after our official launch....it literally brought tears to my eyes.
Hi there Michael,
I just wanted to take the opportunity to commend you on the wonderful site. Two years ago, at the age of 25, a cavernoma hemorrhaged to 2 cm in my left temporal lobe. According to the MRI, my brain looked like I was in a coma, though I was still awake and talking. The doctors could not explain it, but it was apparent that my right side had taken over the language function and was keeping me in a semi conscious state. Their only explanation was that I was one of the 'lucky' few. A short time later a craniotomy was performed to remove the bleeding. I woke up with minimal side effects, again to the surprise of the neurological staff. (I was not expected to speak and/or comprehend.) Since then I have been searching for an explanation for my recovery, other than luck.
Several months ago I came across the research of Dr. Yaakov Stern regarding cognitive reserve. I was very intrigued, as it seemed like the explanation I'd been searching for. I contacted Dr. Stern, but was disappointed to find his research focuses on post mortem testing. Simply proving the existence of cognitive reserve, instead of ways to improve or retrieve the knowledge.
As a child I read through virtually the entire children/young adult section of the local library. With a very high IQ, I absorbed information like a sponge. It seems now that I was able to build quite a strong reserve, which I believe I am still 'working from' today. I have lost the higher level of vocabulary, but still manage to function on an above average level. Unfortunately that makes rehabilitation a bit tricky. I excel on the tests given to other patients, but to me that does not matter. I feel that I should be able to rehabilitate to the highest level that I can achieve, not what the average is. I am confident that my brain can relearn what I have lost, and constantly strive to learn more.
I have been very impressed with the setup of the Fit Brains site, and your focus in the area of cognitive reserve. I have not come across another site with such in depth personalized reports and focus on each of the cognitive skills. The fact that it's free is even better.
There are so many brain injury survivors do not have a steady income to afford even a small monthly payment. When the free beta site went up, I forwarded it on to my team of specialists at GF Strong. They were equally impressed, and have begun to recommend the site to other patients as a tool for rehabilitation.
I have not yet had the opportunity to look at the new platform, but I look forward to exploring the latest developments.
Keep up the great work!!
(I removed the last name just for privacy and politeness.)
I am so happy that our work is changing lives like this. Sure, our games can't contest to a good Halo deathmatch, but this is what makes it all worth it. ^_^ All the best, Audrea...our thoughts and support are with you.
Keep it real, all.
Monday, June 02, 2008
Moo. Yes, for some reason, I have a big tauren fetish. Well, okay, not so much a fetish as I just really like them. I admire the Tauren....honorable people, who respect eachother and strive only to coexsist in harmony with the Earth Mother (Mother Nature, if you will). Their entire culture has, not once, ever seen progress through conquest...they have fought in wars, but only to defend that which they believe is worth protecting.
So, this is Cady. She's my level...18 druid. Currently, I am pulling my hair out trekking across the Goddamn continent trying to get her water travel form. Ugh. -_-
If you'd like more information on the Tauren race, please consult your local library, or just parouse through here: www.wowwiki.com. VERY handy site for everyone...from the lowly noob to the seasoned veteran, there's something new for everyone to learn. I'm actually having a lot of fun reading about all of Azeroth's history and major heros and villians. Very fun stuff. =)
So, with that being said, there's something I've been thinking about: in MMO's, it is said that nearly 80% of female avatars/characters are actually all played by men. Now, when I asked my boyfriend about it (he used to be big into Guild Wars), I asked him why he played a female character. After a bit of mumbling and dodging, I concluded for him that it all comes down to one factor: who's ass would you rather stare at for hours at a time? A big hairy man ass, or a supple female derier? I would assume the choice was obvious, and he agreed.
So, then, by his (my?) definition, does that me some sort of lesbian? No, it doesn't. When given the chance for character customization, I will, almost without fail, play a woman. Why? Because I enjoy living the fantasty of playing a strong female character. Cady, my tauren, is probably about over seven feet tall, and several hundred pounds. She's not obese; she has a wonderful hourglass figure, actually, but she's strong. Cady can shapeshift into fearsome animals with the click of a button. She can cast painful and debilitating spells that can lay a mob or player to waste. I play women because I like seeing women succeed. Pardon the language, but fuck all that damsel in distress bullcrap. I am a modern woman, and I like playing powerful, intelligent and independant characaters. Plain and simple.
Again, if anyone else actually does read this blog, thoughts? Comments? Am I off my rocker? Who knows?
The important thing is, for MMOs and any other game you play, play to have fun. =)
Peace out, yo~